It's only been 4 years

 Why now? I am not sure. All I know is that I CANNOT get off my mind the fact I am supposed to be writing down our life experiences. The idea of it will not go away. So, here I am. Completely overwhelmed with all that has transpired since I last wrote so I am just going to chip away at it. Whatever comes to mind I will write. 

I recently listened to Beth Moore's autobiography and was so astonished with how well she documented her life. It sounds like she has journal upon journal detailing her daily life. I felt a moment of shame in this as well.....why had I failed in documenting mine? Shame is the right word there- Shame is where you feel you are bad. Guilt is when you have done something bad. I learned these definitions from my BFF Brene Brown. I have struggled with an unrelenting amount of shame in my life. Where this originates from I haven't gotten to the bottom of that yet. I do know that once I recognized it, named it, and spoke it out loud it does have less control of me. Back to the journaling...I decided to let go of the shame and just start. This is not a failure. My life is not over. Just start now. Start where I am. 

Romans 5:5~ And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. 

Where to start?

 We had been confined to room 720 for going on three days now. I was so tired. I was so weary emotionally. I just wanted some coffee. I just wanted to step out for a moment and take a deep breath. I sent an update to our faithful prayer warriors that all was well. We were just doing some more waiting as it was July 4th. I mentioned how badly I wanted coffee......now, read this and tell me God doesn't care about the details.....

It wasn't five minutes later and this angel in disguise as a volunteer opened the door to Eli's room and told me to "go take a break!" I started giving all sorts of instructions and disclaimers that I would be back in less than 10 minutes. She would have none of it. She just repeated for me to "go." What a gift that was. In the middle of the mundane of a Tuesday holiday this stranger continued to follow through on her commitment as a volunteer and that simple act of obedience reminded me that God cares about the small things. He cares about Eli and He cares about ME. 

It brought this verse to mind. I know it is probably not its original intent but it WAS good news of peace and a reminder that my God reigns to me. 

Isaiah 52:7~ How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of the messenger who brings good news, the good news of peace and salvation, the news that the God of Israel reigns. 

Navigating a different life

I have been tossing ideas around in my head the last couple of weeks about what to write about next and just never felt a prompting until this morning. I want to be honest about something I am currently struggling with and am seeing that I am going to have to take time and work through.
It is becoming more and more obvious that Eli is different. While I am okay with that part and am hopeful, prayerful, and at peace about his progress, it is the reaction of others that is shredding this heart of mine. He is non-verbal at this point but that doesn't mean he can't communicate. He shares his excitement and loves to hear his own voice in ways that others do not find socially acceptable. I get it. I know it can be annoying. But.....the rudeness, lack of tolerance, and downright meanness of others is overwhelming. I had a sweet mama who has walked a hard path before me share with me that parenting a child who is different has been a life lesson in tolerance and grace. Wow! That hit me in the heart.
Tolerance and grace. How often do I fail in extending either of these? Fairly frequently I am certain. Let this be an eye opener to me for my first reaction when I see or hear something that is not pleasing to my eyes to be tolerance and grace. I want to add empathy to the the equation as well. Each person is fighting a battle we know nothing about and if we show these things to them we have no idea how it could bless them.
Show tolerance, grace, and empathy today as you go about your daily activities and let us encourage one another.

I might be back.....testing the waters. Broken by my own hand.

Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 2:11

I remember the crossroad very well and did NOT want to do what needed to be done. I was content with my sinful heart and ways but I was also deeply broken. Broken from my own bad choices. No terrible story followed me that could excuse my behavior. No wrong doing by someone else would give me an out. No awful childhood event that led me down this path. It was all me. That was the most shocking revelation. The depth of my sinful heart.
There is no need for the details other than I wanted a new life. I felt the wrong hand had been dealt to me. I had no idea how I ended up where I was. Have you ever felt this way? There were definitely two very different paths I had to choose from at this point. The ONLY reason I chose the right one was because God blessed me with the innate ability to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what His will is about certain situations and if you look He gave it to you as well. Knowing I was blatantly going against God kept me from throwing it all away.
It didn't get easy overnight. My heart was still a raw, open, and gaping wound that was bleeding. The circumstances were the essentially the same BUT I finally had the peace that only God can give back in my life. For that, there is no substitute.
If you are at a crossroad ready to jump down the path that feels good right now but know long term it will destroy you.....RUN the other way. RUN to the alter of the Lord and tell Him. Let it all out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I remember driving to work every morning bawling my eyes out and screaming at God to make it stop. Make the physical pain in my heart go away. I even tried to bargain with Him......God, I am doing what I know you want me to do.....why can't you make it easier? Why are the consequences of my sin so deep and feel never ending? I knew I couldn't and wouldn't go back to my old way of life though. For months I just kept getting up, reading His word, and praying and at times it just felt like I was going through the motions.....BUT then one day I could take a breath without pain. In a few more days, I could get to work without crying. Slowly, God brought healing to my heart. He healed the wound but thankfully left the scar. There is a song by an old Christian band that tells my story. It is "Heal the Wound but Leave the Scar." Here it is:


Heal the Wound


Friend, don't throw it all away. The pain doesn't go away even if you decide to try a new hand at life. The only way to start over is in HIM. True healing, joy, and peace is found in Him alone. Stop running and turn the opposite way. Get on your knees and tell it all to Him and open His word for your next step. We grow together and we are here to point each other to Him. That is my only goal sharing my story and being vulnerable. May you see Jesus in me and know where He rescued me.

But by the grace of God go I

I have a sin problem.  This is not a new revelation. I truly believe one of the reasons God called us to foster is that I would not have free time to indulge my selfish behaviors. (This is not me saying anyone who doesn't foster is selfish, btw. We are not all called to meet the same need.) I say this so no one can be fooled that I am anything special for how we are choosing to live our life. ANY praise and ALL glory goes to Him who redeemed me from the pit-  A pit I dug for myself and jumped in.

The details are between the Lord and me but I was sifted. I learned first hand to have compassion and mercy on others because I was given so much of it from Him. I learned that unless I am actively running from self-indulgent behavior I have no ability to stop it from consuming me. I am doing Beth Moore’s Daniel bible study again and have been slapped in the face once more.

I have recently received an honor from a local magazine and it will be published next month. It makes me shake in my shoes that anyone might see something other than Jesus in me. My blood literally runs cold thinking about my flesh being prideful over the honor. I want it to be said and heard before it is even seen that there is NO pedestal that I am worthy of and I mean this with all my heart- ANY good you see in me is from HIM.  I am the most sinful of all. I was like the person talked about in Isaiah 58. I thought I was “doing” good but was not.

Isaiah 58:9-12 says:

9Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;

    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

    and your night will become like the noonday.

11 

The Lord will guide you always;

    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

    and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

    like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

    and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

My greatest desire is to follow Him. I want to run from the complacency of living my life as a “Christian” that only serves myself. I was given an urgent and burning desire to take my faith back from the American Dream as David Platt challenges in his book Radical. I want to be broken and poured out for Him and may I assist Him as HE repairs the broken wall of these families I interact with. It is HE who restores the families I get the privilege of watching come back together. HE is rebuilding the ancient ruins of the families who have only known the pattern of abuse and neglect for decades. May I never cease praying for them and reminding myself that I am one breath away from it being me in their shoes. But truly by the Grace of God go I.

Unfiltered version

Starting with court on Monday, I felt myself start to self-destruct...over eating, not exercising, insomnia, and the list goes on.... I know my patterns well and I don't know if I can say it's a benefit of growing older or not. I tried my best to stop the train wreck. I shifted to my "favorite" coping mechanism, denial, and went into survival mode. I continued to say and act like everything was fine, yet on the inside the anger and hurt was festering and building.
It came to a head earlier today. I locked my keys in the car at the dry cleaners. I thought, no biggie, Onstar will unlock them....called and our subscription had expired and it is "impossible" to renew over the phone. That was it! Not one more false reassurance could keep me from boiling over. At 89 degrees outside I took off walking. At first, I didn't care or know where I was going. I was just SO MAD! I was pounding the pavement and telling God- This (foster care, grief, unfairness of life, path He called me to, and the difficulties of an innocent baby) was more than I bargained for and I was angry. Angry He asked this of me. Angry I wasn't "stronger" or had more "Faith." Angry every single child doesn't have a loving, secure home. Angry life has to be so dang hard sometimes. Angry I said yes to participating in this chaos and my obedience wasn't rewarded with roses and good times and a happy ending. Isn't THAT what it is supposed to look like? Why did I just have a mess at the end of my months and years of following His path for me?
What happened you may wonder? I stomped and sweated it out to my husbands office where he picked me up. I get in his truck and slam the door and start in on him....poor guy. I tell him all the dirty and ugliness that was spilling from my heart. The pain bubbled out and poured out as hot tears on my cheeks. I grieved for the child I love as my own while I know he isn't mine. I sobbed that is wasn't fair to me to love him, care for him, and advocate for him and him not be mine forever. I didn't want to hear a word of false reassurance. I wanted to jump into the pit and wallow.
That happened for a good 20-30 minutes until I was spent and it was all laid bare. I was empty and poured out. His peace came over me and like a still small voice I hear Him in my secret places whisper.....I love you and it's ok to grieve and it's ok to be angry at injustice. False hope and promises won't carry you in the long run.....only Me and My word. Where have you been looking Tenille?
You see, I haven't spent much time in my bible since Monday. I have ran from Him like Jonah. I have prayed and talked with Him but not laid my burdens down as He calls us to do. I have not surrendered my pain, anger, and hurt. I tried to lay it at the alter only to pick it back up at amen.
Yes, I did choose this path and I'm thankful I did. Had I not? Where would the children who have lived in our home be? Who would have loved them? Who would have showed them God's grace and mercy? Who would have attached to this precious baby boy my heart is shattered over? If not me, then who? I CANNOT do this on my own as He so graciously showed me earlier. It HAS to be of Him and in Him. When I start thinking and acting as if I'm doing it and He is my side kick, disaster is imminent.
I'm thankful for grace. I'm thankful that it (foster care, grief, this path) IS worth it. I'm thankful for forgiveness. Most of all, I'm thankful He loves me and is with me through each and every moment of my journey. So, what about my happy ending?
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake Psalm 23:3

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

Bring the rain,
T

Fostering: It IS

HARD

• when you are the mommy, but you are not
• when you don't feel a connection but even harder when you do
• when you give until there isn't anything left, but more is still needed
• when all you can think of is sleep and it never comes
• when you see how far behind a sweet one really is
• when you show up for a visit and no one else does
• when you have to share the news no one else is coming with a dear one
• when a birthday comes and goes and you are the only one who acknowledges their special day
• when you want to tell a "parent" like it is and you know Jesus called you for more
• when you explain for the thousandth time, "yes it IS hard when they leave"
• when you just wanna scream PLEASE quit saying "I couldn't let them go".....do you think we are heartless?
• when NO ONE understands the path you have chosen but a fellow foster parent
• when TALKING about it and LIVING it are NOT the same
• when you walk away for the last time and your heart splits in two
• when your child prays for a sweet one to be their brother or sister and you know that won't happen
• when a new one comes
• when a new one leaves
• when a new one ROCKS every bit of routine in your household
• when nothing is familiar of yourself
• when you know you failed
• when you fall in love so hopelessly you know your life will never the same
• when you don't know the answer to their questions
• when they pray for their mommy to not "do the drugs"
• when you see the need and are overwhelmed by it yet those who are called AREN'T ANSWERING
• when there aren't any good explanations
• when even on your most patient of timelines things are still pending

Yet all of that is NOTHING compared to the insurmountable joy in knowing you are walking in HIS will for your life and answering His call.

EASY:

• when you LOVE
• when you stay in the Word 
• when you remember you and to God and God alone
• when you throw away the perception of others about your choices- the world DOESN"T GET IT
• when you are surrounded by encouragers
• when you have friends and family who pick up the slack
• when the precious ones smile at you
• when you see the need
• when you see progress in your precious one
• when you see your own child developing a servant's heart 
• when the pain brings you to Jesus feet and you feel His presence like never before
• when I am needed as their advocate
• when you have an empty room
• when you know you have been called
• when His word COMMANDS me to care for them
• when the JOY fills your heart when you see a breakthrough you thought would never come for a child
• when a parent weeps and thanks you for loving their child

Whoever taught us that Christianity was easy was a liar. Our savior bled and died on a cross.....for MY sins while He was perfect.....ummmm so why should my life be easy again if I accept Him? COME ON people! Wake up and take back Christianity from "the American dream." The book Radical completely rocked me to the core in 2011. May I never be the same. 

"The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway." Mother Teresa

I am not out to change the world, but I am out to love each child brought my way to the very best of my ability. I am so blessed to have had the privilege of God removing "the scales from my eyes" and allowing me to live life in a manner such as this. My families entire perspective has been changed. What was important no longer is....These walls that encase my family are precious and sacred. If you cross the threshold as a "precious one" you are family and you are loved. My four year old will tell you that. How grateful I am that even they get it. Why don't we all? That still small voice that tugs at your heart....listen to it. It just might make your life hard- for the best of you and oh how worth it, it truly is.....
God's best,
Tenille
James 1:27