Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 2:11
I remember the crossroad very well and did NOT want to do what needed to be done. I was content with my sinful heart and ways but I was also deeply broken. Broken from my own bad choices. No terrible story followed me that could excuse my behavior. No wrong doing by someone else would give me an out. No awful childhood event that led me down this path. It was all me. That was the most shocking revelation. The depth of my sinful heart.
There is no need for the details other than I wanted a new life. I felt the wrong hand had been dealt to me. I had no idea how I ended up where I was. Have you ever felt this way? There were definitely two very different paths I had to choose from at this point. The ONLY reason I chose the right one was because God blessed me with the innate ability to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what His will is about certain situations and if you look He gave it to you as well. Knowing I was blatantly going against God kept me from throwing it all away.
It didn't get easy overnight. My heart was still a raw, open, and gaping wound that was bleeding. The circumstances were the essentially the same BUT I finally had the peace that only God can give back in my life. For that, there is no substitute.
If you are at a crossroad ready to jump down the path that feels good right now but know long term it will destroy you.....RUN the other way. RUN to the alter of the Lord and tell Him. Let it all out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I remember driving to work every morning bawling my eyes out and screaming at God to make it stop. Make the physical pain in my heart go away. I even tried to bargain with Him......God, I am doing what I know you want me to do.....why can't you make it easier? Why are the consequences of my sin so deep and feel never ending? I knew I couldn't and wouldn't go back to my old way of life though. For months I just kept getting up, reading His word, and praying and at times it just felt like I was going through the motions.....BUT then one day I could take a breath without pain. In a few more days, I could get to work without crying. Slowly, God brought healing to my heart. He healed the wound but thankfully left the scar. There is a song by an old Christian band that tells my story. It is "Heal the Wound but Leave the Scar." Here it is:
Heal the Wound
Friend, don't throw it all away. The pain doesn't go away even if you decide to try a new hand at life. The only way to start over is in HIM. True healing, joy, and peace is found in Him alone. Stop running and turn the opposite way. Get on your knees and tell it all to Him and open His word for your next step. We grow together and we are here to point each other to Him. That is my only goal sharing my story and being vulnerable. May you see Jesus in me and know where He rescued me.
