Friday, June 20, 2014

Unfiltered version

Starting with court on Monday, I felt myself start to self-destruct...over eating, not exercising, insomnia, and the list goes on.... I know my patterns well and I don't know if I can say it's a benefit of growing older or not. I tried my best to stop the train wreck. I shifted to my "favorite" coping mechanism, denial, and went into survival mode. I continued to say and act like everything was fine, yet on the inside the anger and hurt was festering and building.
It came to a head earlier today. I locked my keys in the car at the dry cleaners. I thought, no biggie, Onstar will unlock them....called and our subscription had expired and it is "impossible" to renew over the phone. That was it! Not one more false reassurance could keep me from boiling over. At 89 degrees outside I took off walking. At first, I didn't care or know where I was going. I was just SO MAD! I was pounding the pavement and telling God- This (foster care, grief, unfairness of life, path He called me to, and the difficulties of an innocent baby) was more than I bargained for and I was angry. Angry He asked this of me. Angry I wasn't "stronger" or had more "Faith." Angry every single child doesn't have a loving, secure home. Angry life has to be so dang hard sometimes. Angry I said yes to participating in this chaos and my obedience wasn't rewarded with roses and good times and a happy ending. Isn't THAT what it is supposed to look like? Why did I just have a mess at the end of my months and years of following His path for me?
What happened you may wonder? I stomped and sweated it out to my husbands office where he picked me up. I get in his truck and slam the door and start in on him....poor guy. I tell him all the dirty and ugliness that was spilling from my heart. The pain bubbled out and poured out as hot tears on my cheeks. I grieved for the child I love as my own while I know he isn't mine. I sobbed that is wasn't fair to me to love him, care for him, and advocate for him and him not be mine forever. I didn't want to hear a word of false reassurance. I wanted to jump into the pit and wallow.
That happened for a good 20-30 minutes until I was spent and it was all laid bare. I was empty and poured out. His peace came over me and like a still small voice I hear Him in my secret places whisper.....I love you and it's ok to grieve and it's ok to be angry at injustice. False hope and promises won't carry you in the long run.....only Me and My word. Where have you been looking Tenille?
You see, I haven't spent much time in my bible since Monday. I have ran from Him like Jonah. I have prayed and talked with Him but not laid my burdens down as He calls us to do. I have not surrendered my pain, anger, and hurt. I tried to lay it at the alter only to pick it back up at amen.
Yes, I did choose this path and I'm thankful I did. Had I not? Where would the children who have lived in our home be? Who would have loved them? Who would have showed them God's grace and mercy? Who would have attached to this precious baby boy my heart is shattered over? If not me, then who? I CANNOT do this on my own as He so graciously showed me earlier. It HAS to be of Him and in Him. When I start thinking and acting as if I'm doing it and He is my side kick, disaster is imminent.
I'm thankful for grace. I'm thankful that it (foster care, grief, this path) IS worth it. I'm thankful for forgiveness. Most of all, I'm thankful He loves me and is with me through each and every moment of my journey. So, what about my happy ending?
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake Psalm 23:3

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

Bring the rain,

No comments:

Post a Comment