9/15/05

Busy, challenging week
I just wanted to share some feelings with you that I have been dealing with this week. I have had a very tough week with being pulled from all directions. It started on Sunday with me having two papers due and a test on Tuesday. I had one paper almost finished and your daddy accidently erased it....at 9:30 PM. No, I did not yell and scream like I wanted to. He was very sorry and tried to fix it but could not. That night I was up most of the night trying to redo that paper and finish the second one. I am telling you all this for you to know why I am continuing in this manner. I would quit my job, master's degree, anything in a heartbeat if I thought my doing these things were hurting you in any way. I am convicted to DO these things to raise you in a manner that I feel is important. I want you to see by my example how to be an independent, self-sufficient, yet submissive, women of God. I do not feel that I am being "less of a mommy" to you by sharing you with Jessica on the days I work.(you love her, by the way.it almost hurts my feelings how much you do!!) The time we have together is so precious and the quality of that time is unmatchable.
My dad raised me with the idea that I could do anything I wanted to do....As a women, I should be able to support myself if needed. You have a great daddy that is supportive of whatever I choose and he told me as I was freaking out Sunday night, "Lexi will be so proud to have you as her mommy." This almost made me cry~ That is exactly what I want you to feel and in that feel proud of yourself to go after your dreams. I always wanted to be a nurse practitioner and I am 1 year away from that goal. Having that degree actually does not mean that much to me personally anymore but I would not dare quit now and have to tell you someday that I was a quiter. That is not what we Rauls girls do!
I want you to know you are loved more than anything on earth by your parents. We are so proud to have you are our daughter. No matter how busy your daddy may be...you are always his top priority, as you are mine. He gives so much of his life to help others and I am so proud of him. He feels called and blessed by God to do this. We are very blessed to have him as ours.
This is a quite personnal and close to my heart revelation. I admire all women for following their hearts. I feel I am sacrificing to give you certain values and ideals that I feel are important just as every mommy feels they have to do. Hopefully, I will be at home with you full time someday but right now I can accept and enjoy working part time and finishing my degree. You are the reason I am finishing. I have to keep telling myself this as I have been very close to quitting all week. I have slept very little and worked very hard while you have been asleep. I do no homework until you go to bed. I love walking in your room when I need a break and seeing your little hiney sticking up in the air. You have made me complete.